first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
