I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
