i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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