Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
