Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
