I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
