the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
