I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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