omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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