i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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