I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
