you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
