You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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