his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
