i love accidental penises.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
