nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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