My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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