Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
