I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
