You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
