I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
