I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she told me i tasted like america
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
