Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
