I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
