Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
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Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
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He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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