I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
