Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
