dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
