My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
