Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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