I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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