This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
