Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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