I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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