Got a toothbrush?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
