Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
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You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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