I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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