This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
