remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize