I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
