I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
