even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
