And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
