why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
