tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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