can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
