so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
