Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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