i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
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