K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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