My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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