walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
