she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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